Sunday, April 20, 2008

My sides hurt!

Copied word for word from SportSquee - THE funniest blog on the web bar none! (Well, if you like hockey anyway :) )

This cheered me up totally on what, so far, is not the best birthday ever, so thank you Margee :)

Fly on the Wall: HandshakeGate

Did you really think the far-reaching microphones of SportSquee would not be somehow attached to Marty Brodeur and Sean Avery for Game 5 of the Rangers-Devils series? Come on, now. You know us better than that. Here is a partial transcript of the handshake that wasn't.

(Center Ice, The Rock, Post-game, Rangers line)

Brendan Shanahan: Come on, guys, we have to shake hands. Sportsmanship!
Sean Avery: Sports-man-wuh? I recognize some of the words you're saying as English, but...
Chris Drury: Just follow your captain... Captain CLUTCH!
Jaromir Jagr: I am captain, not furry Smurf-person. Team follows Jagr. My apple cheeks will lead way to shaking of hands.
CD: We could follow you, Puff Nuts, but wouldn't the team rather follow the man who has 15 game-winning playoff goals? I mean, you probably don't have any. No one calls you Captain CLUTCH, do they?
Jagr: I have 14, furry Smurf-person. Fall in.
Drury:Whatever. I'll walk behind you, so everyone else will be following Captain CLUTCH!
Marc Staal: I hate these guys.
Avery: I'm still confused. What are we doing again? Scott, what is this?
Scott Gomez: I think we're checking their pulses to see if they're alive. Puff Nuts and the fuzzy dude seem to be going for the wrist. Hollweg, do you know what this is about?
Ryan Hollweg: (series of gorilla noises and flinging of poo)
Staal: Maybe I could get traded in the off-season.
Shanahan: Sportsmanship!

(Center Ice, The Rock, Devils Line)
Jamie Langenbrunner: Fall in. Gather 'round me. Elias and I have talked about this, we're prepared.
Patrik Elias: Everyone, hack up the biggest loogie and spit it all over your hands.
Langenbrunner: That'll learn 'em for messing with the Devils!
John Madden: That's our strategy? Loogies?
Elias: Prank of the century!
Zach Parise: I'm not going to say "good job." I'm just going to say "Egg." Egg... Egg... Egg...
Travis Zajac: That's a great idea! I'll just say "Bacon." Bacon...bacon...bacon...
Jay Pandolfo: What about sportsmanship? Sportsmanship, you guys.
Mike Rupp: Pando's right. I'm going to put my hand between my butt cheeks.
John Madden: Ah, the Swedish Hello. I like it.
Johnny Oduya: I don't appreciate that.
Brian Gionta: Marty, you probably aren't sweaty at all. You can put your hands between my butt cheeks if you want.
Marty Brodeur: I'm good. I have something up my sleeve.
Parise: You should say "Ham." Ham... ham...ham...
Zajac: Or "Bagel." Bagel... bagel... bagel...
Brodeur: No. I'm going to hold my hand out and when he goes to grab it, I'm going to pull it away and be like, SIKE! Maybe do an umpire dance. You know, "Siiiiike!"
Zajac: Dude. That is low.
Langenbrunner: I can't believe you.
Pandolfo: Where is the sportsmanship?
Brodeur: You've got the Bacon Brothers over there, Elias was going to give them his Hep spit, and you were going to give them a Swedish Hello!
Oduya: I don't appreciate that.
Parise: Yeah, but we were still going to shake their hands!
Elias: What kind of man are you?
Brodeur: Man? I am no man. I am no mere man! I am Marty fucking Brodeur!
Langenbrunner: Well, you were once.
Elias: Come on, we've got germs to spread.
Pandolfo: Come on, guys! Let's show them some sportsmanship!

(Center Ice, Both Teams)

Jagr: Good job... good job... nice work... good job...
Langenbrunner: Good series... good series... fine work...nice job...
Elias: Be sure to lick your palm after the game... be sure to lick your hand after the game...
Drury: Captain CLUTCH...Captain CLUTCH...Captain CLUTCH... Captain CLUTCH...
Pandolfo: Sportsmanship!...Sportsmanship!...
Shanahan: Sportsmanship!... Sportsmanship!...
Parise: Egg...egg...egg...
M. Staal: Good job... good job... good job...
Zajac: Bacon...bacon...bacon...
Avery: Fuck you... fuck you... I boned your sister...fuck you...
Brodeur: (to himself) Alright, Marty, this is it. You have to time a Sike! just right. Look away, like you don't care about him, hold your hand out... and...
Avery: Fuck you...
Brodeur: (to himself) Wait for it... Wait for it... Now! Do it, Marty! Do it!
Hollweg: Eat me... eat me...
Brodeur: (to himself) Crap, I missed my chance! Damn you! Damn you, poor comedic timing!
Gomez: Suck it... suck it... suck it...
Brodeur: Whatever. Bagel... Bagel... Bagel...

1 comment:

Anam_Kihaku said...

screen splutter moment!!

thank you for that :)